Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Holiday Cheer
Our Gingerbread Solstice is fast approaching.
Every year Dunkin Donecians celebrate the winter time on December 22nd!
Celebrate by having a meal of all the new holiday drinks and pastries served at Dunkin.
While you have your extremely delicious meal, The Bean will drop of presents of joy and blissfulness for all underneath your coffee pot!
Dunkin' Donecianism celebrates three other holidays as well. They all correlate with the delicious seasonal products we all like to eat and drink!
The Pumpkin Equinox: September 22nd
The Blueberry Equinox: March 20th
The Coolata Solstice: June 20th
Monday, December 6, 2010
The DAILY Walk of Donecian Faith
Faith is not an easy process, but if you truly believe in the Blissful Aroma, the rewards of faith in this one and only truth will be immense in the afterlife where we will be able to taste the sweetness of satisfaction and happiness in Dunkin products. But how you ask? How do we walk this daily walk of faith? How do are we supposed to enjoy this earthly fulfillment in coffee and coolatas?
HOW you drink Dunkin coffee and HOW you dunk your doughnut is a testament to how deep your faith in Donecianism is. This indicated how conservative/orthodox one is in their Donecian faith. The stricter one adheres to these rules, the more rooted they are in our theology. Our main ritual of passage is drinking coffee religiously in the morning, every morning. Once you order your coffee, you must refrain from drinking it as an energy kick-start or supplement. It is the greatest Donecian sin to abuse the perfect concoction of coffee as a caffeine boost. The right way, the way our god--the Blissful Aroma--intended it to be taken is meditatively, breathing in the aroma, ENJOYING the coffee and savoring the holy provision from the Dunkin god.
Another ritual of passage is tithing. This is to be done upon receiving your daily provision of Dunkin treats in the form of paying for your coffee. doughnut, coolata, etc. to the cashier. The greater, philanthropic Donecians even donate to the greater cause of Donecianism by being generous in the tip jar.
Evangelism is also a very important component of Donecianism. Part of the joy of being a part of this faith and knowing the goodness that only our god can provide is the natural response to share this kind of joy with others. By buying big cases/boxes of doughtnuts and Boxes of Joe's, you are spreading the inner happiness and fulfillment only Dunkin foods can provide, allowing others to dive into the blissful religious experience with you.
The Creation Story
The Blissful Aroma of the Dunkin Donecians created a utopia pastry, completely filled with an ideal community of perfect people, animals, and plants.
The Starbucks mermaid planted an evil seed at the core of the pastry, causing the core to slowly become adulterated with evil.
EVIL STARBUCKS MERMAID!!To counteract this, The Blissful Aroma punched a hole through the center of the pastry separating the rotten core from the rest of the immaculate pastry. What remained of the pastry we call The Donut Halo, or Halo for short.
The core, also known as Earth, created a center hole in the pastry and settled distant from the Halo. The Earth will not reunite with the Halo until The Blissful Aroma
The ultimate goal of society and mankind is to become Dunkin Donecians and reach infinite fulfillment by pleasing The Blissful Aroma who will place true Donecians on the Halo after death, and false believers into a burning coffee pot. Those on The Halo experience infinite fulfillment, awaiting the day that the Earth (the core) reunites with the Halo, filling up the hole in the Donut. That in itself is ultimate fulfillment.
What is YOUR fulfillment in life?
Everyone looks for some sort of satisfaction, whether it comes from friends, family, money, respect, food, etc. But you have to wonder what is the MOST fulfilling out of all those mediums of satisfaction? Can we find an objective answer to this question? Below is a reason why Dunkin Donecianism makes sense and why it is the most fulfilling religion one can encounter.
DOCTRINE:
Our God, The Blissful Aroma of Dunkin Donuts wants us to experience the fulfillment we get from consuming Dunkin Donut products. However, as humans we have a maximum to how much we can satisfy our cravings with such products due to our biological limitations. Earthly fulfillment represents that temporary satisfaction we get from consuming DD at that moment.
That is why we look forward to heaven, where INFINITE fulfillment is possible. Our God wants us to experience the joy of Dunkin Donuts because our God is a God who cares for us. In heaven, we will have no biological limitations and we can experience the high of Dunkin Donuts (DD) eternally.
Until then, we respond to our God’s plea to be in earthly fulfillment by consuming and enjoying DD products. Our God wants us to enjoy it and this pleases our God. As an extremely popular franchise, DD is expanding throughout the states and even globally. We as Dunkin Donecians must pass on this joy we find in DD by converting others to follow our ways.
Unfortunately, we are not unopposed. Cheap and false imitations from the evil one come our way and unfortunately some fall into these evil temptations. That is why we urge all Dunkin Donecians and the rest of humanity to not be falsely led into evil products from Starbucks, Peet’s Coffee, and other cheap products from your local breakfast shops. These product do not have any true fulfillment of all, it is all an illusion the enemy is placing on humanity. And since perception plays such a huge role in our society, the evil one makes humanity perceives they are being fulfilled by consuming these cheap imitations when indeed it is only perception, not reality.
Blissful Aroma condemns evil because by doing evil, one takes some sort of satisfaction and enjoyment in doing evil deeds rather than enjoying DD products. Evil takes away from Earthly Fulfillment which ultimately will lead someone away from Infinite Fulfillment—what a tragedy!
Because we are so grateful towards our God, we make monetary sacrifices in exchange for our fulfillment. That is why Dunkin Donecians do not go out and steal DD products from Dunkin Donuts. Only when a monetary sacrifice is given, then it is true worship and true fulfillment begins. So go to your nearest Dunkin Donuts and purchase as many goods as you can and enjoy the fulfillment that is only a glimpse of what our heavenly state could be!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
What distinguishes us? Our members and our church
We are always happy and always optimistic. Therefore, we bring happiness to everyone around us. It all started in Quincy, MA, which is now our headquarter. However, there is no central location for practicing our religion. 
It is all about the experience and the experience on a daily basis. It it, however, true that every Dunkin location serves as a church. Every morning, each cup of coffee adds to the earthly fulfillment that one feels. We Donecians never drink any other coffee, other than Dunkin Donuts. In the end, the earthly fulfillment can lead to infinite fulfillment in Heaven. We take in an enjoyable amount of donuts and coffee. We know how to enjoy our coffee.
Here are some pictures that distinguish a Donecian.
Happy to serve coffee
Celtics' Shooting Guard Ray Allen appreciates the coffee before he indulges
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton enjoys coffee while she interacts with a fellow Donecian
Our very own vampire knows how to indulge the coffee
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Dunkin Experience
Life is full of mystery. To live is to be in a constant state of complexity. Sometimes, it may feel as though life is just one big donut of contradictions. You need to fall to fly. People suffer because you care.You have to unlearn to know the lesson. You have to give up because you are strong. You have to be wrong to make things right. Before Donecianism, people were constantly concerned with solving the mystery of our complex existence on this Earth. Then, the true God, the God of Blissful Aroma was discovered, manifested non other in a deliciously hot cup of coffee. Find out the unexpected happiness that occurred when Sarah Funk discovered the Blissful Aroma for herself during a summer of intense military training:
“It all started on a rainy morning at 4 AM. I had been in the field for 10 days. Cold, tired, and hungry, I was getting ready to set out on another 5 hour land navigation exercise. I had just been given my disgusting MRE for breakfast, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a truck (looking back on that day the truck must have been a manifestation of the Bean, the Son of Blissful Aroma) that I had never previously seen. As it loomed nearer and nearer, I saw that it held about 10 boxes of Dunkin’s Box of Joe’s in its truck bed. A bliss and happiness I had never felt before surged through me. It was as if The Blissful Aroma had spoken to me. Ever since that fateful day, I am a believer of Dunkin Donecianism. Every time I smell, see, or take a long glorious sip of Dunkin Coffee, I feel liberated from the burdens of everyday life. I am still in mysterious awe of the power of the Blissful Aroma. It changed my life.”
- From Sarah Funk's bestselling novel, Donecianism and the Art of Dunkin
Jeremiah Cioffi, another known writer is also a believer of Dunkin Donecianism, below is his conversion experience:
“My conversion came during our Army ROTC Field Training Exercise during early spring of 2010. We arrived at Ft. Devens, Massachusetts on a Friday afternoon. That night the temperature was 35 degrees and a heavy rain was falling. We slept “under the stars” with only sleeping bags to shield us from the elements. I was immediately soaked and shivered uncontrollably. It was a long, dark night. The next day was spent wandering around in the woods for 14 hours with 40 pounds on our backs. Most of us wanted nothing more than to be warm for a few seconds. That night was just as awful as the first, as the temperature dipped below freezing. I cannot express the misery I experienced in words. However, the next day changed my life forever. I was hunkered down in a defensive position when down the road walked a prophet in the form of one of our officers. He was carrying a “Box o’ Joe” and just beaming. After my first sip I knew I had been saved by the Blissful Aroma. The warmth flooded through me, reaching my extremities instantly. I am now at a point in my faith where nothing can take me away from the Blissful Aroma. It is my duty to spread Bean’s magnificence to others so they too can know what it is to be saved.
- From Jeremiah Cioffi's article in the New York Times titled "Finally Saved"
Jeremiah Cioffi, another known writer is also a believer of Dunkin Donecianism, below is his conversion experience:
“My conversion came during our Army ROTC Field Training Exercise during early spring of 2010. We arrived at Ft. Devens, Massachusetts on a Friday afternoon. That night the temperature was 35 degrees and a heavy rain was falling. We slept “under the stars” with only sleeping bags to shield us from the elements. I was immediately soaked and shivered uncontrollably. It was a long, dark night. The next day was spent wandering around in the woods for 14 hours with 40 pounds on our backs. Most of us wanted nothing more than to be warm for a few seconds. That night was just as awful as the first, as the temperature dipped below freezing. I cannot express the misery I experienced in words. However, the next day changed my life forever. I was hunkered down in a defensive position when down the road walked a prophet in the form of one of our officers. He was carrying a “Box o’ Joe” and just beaming. After my first sip I knew I had been saved by the Blissful Aroma. The warmth flooded through me, reaching my extremities instantly. I am now at a point in my faith where nothing can take me away from the Blissful Aroma. It is my duty to spread Bean’s magnificence to others so they too can know what it is to be saved.
- From Jeremiah Cioffi's article in the New York Times titled "Finally Saved"
Thus, Donecianism brings inner happiness, peace, and bliss. All Donecians experience a transcendent feeling of security, an omnipresent sense of calmness in relation to the world. As long as you follow the simple codes and remain faithful, Blissful Aroma will never fail you. If you stay true to your belief in it, you will find the will to go on with every sip of Coffee, every slurp of a Coolatta, and every bite of a donut.
No, the mysteries of the world will not be revealed to you, but you will find you no longer have the need to discover them.
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